I am catching a glimpse of something I will be journaling on to get more deliverance. I had been dreaming about losing things...big things, and my losses, including some current losses. I am seeing them all together in one big pile. Like... There.... There they all are in one big lump! I see the sum total of all my losses. Consider all the hopes and dreams that little girls have... Wishes...many things I wanted I didn't dare hope for, the dismal reality was deeply engrained at a young age. Sherry Sorenson and Susan Ross and Mary Pat Conklin could have all those hopes and dreams and expectations... But Judy Maze would not have them. My dad told me so. You are not like them. You will not be going and doing all those things. You will not be given the money it takes to buy or spend on events or activities or outings, school plays... No, you are not going horse back riding with Sherry Sorenson!  That would be 25cents! No school lunches, you can walk home have lunch here and walk back! No white communion dress. You have a blue polka dot dress if that isn't good enough then you won't be in the parade or the celebration. Hopes that were not even luxurious... In the pile they go with all my losses.

Now I Am remembering parts of scriptures, I get a couple of them mixed up... Both have 'count it" in the verse. One is count it all joy, and the other is "count it as dung"... Now I am forced to go see what scripture says about losses...

But whatever former things I had that might have been gains to me, I have come to consider as [one combined] loss for Christ's sake. Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One), And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law's demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith. [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope] That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body]. Not that I have now attained [this ideal], or have already been made perfect, but I press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make my own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of me and made me His own. I do not consider, brethren, that I have captured and made it my own [yet]; but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward. So let those [of us] who are spiritually mature and full-grown have this mind and hold these convictions; and if in any respect you have a different attitude of mind, God will make that clear to you also. Only let us hold true to what we have already attained and walk and order our lives by that. Brethren, together follow my example and observe those who live after the pattern we have set for you. For there are many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, who walk (live) as enemies of the cross of Christ (the Anointed One). They are doomed and their fate is eternal misery (perdition); their god is their stomach (their appetites, their sensuality) and they glory in their shame, siding with earthly things and being of their party. But we are citizens of the state (commonwealth, homeland) which is in heaven, and from it also we earnestly and patiently await [the coming of] the Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah) [as] Savior, Who will transform and fashion anew the body of our humiliation to conform to and be like the body of His glory and majesty, by exerting that power which enables Him even to subject everything to Himself. (Philippians 3:7-21 AMP)

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